Today I had a day off from work and field experience so I spent the day cleaning and perusing the internet for Jimmy Fallon videos. If you ever need a great way to procrastinate, just look up Jimmy Fallon clips. You won’t be disappointed.
I then came across a video of Allison Speck Frymoyer’s testimony about her battle with cancer.
She recently passed away, yet in her 23 years of life impacted so many lives around her. She began her testimony by stating that there is a difference between “believing in God, and believing God.” Believing in God means that I know Christ died on the cross for my sins, etc.,etc., but believing God means that I wholeheartedly trust in the promises He has given me. I know for a fact that God has great plans for my life.
Even now, as a young wife and student, I am amazed at how far God has brought me, and the ways in which He has provided, protected, and guided. I believe God in every way, and know that He is the same both now and forever. I believe that He is going to provide every dollar needed to pay off mine and Caleb’s student loans (eighty-thousand dollars). I believe that God is going to take us to incredible places around the world, and He is going to use us to minister to those that are lost and hurting. I believe that one day God is going to give us children of our own that will learn to love Him, and will serve Him with all of their hearts. I believe that even now, God is using me in my current job situation to show kindness and love to women that are gossiped about, and who are gossipers. And God is using me to show patience and gentleness to children who might not be given the same treatment at home.
I know these things are true and will stand the test of time because I have seen. I have witnessed the power of God, and how could I ever be so foolish to doubt a God that has proven faithful time and time again?
Usually, I am super pumped about all of these awesome promises and plans, and am convinced that my life has a definitive purpose. I have joy and motivation to serve and to live out my faith to the fullest. Rarely do I feel discouraged or defeated, but when these moments come, they come full force.
Caleb and I recently began a challenge to tithe our time. Two hours, every day, with Jesus.
I’ve thrown myself into the Word, and have prayed for things and people that I usually just forget about. I feel like I use the phrase “I’ll be praying” too casually, and I imagine most other Christians probably can relate. Since we began this challenge, I feel like I have grown tremendously in my faith. I have noticed more opportunities to bless other people and show the love of Christ. And yet, I have also been attacked by the idea that I am not enough.
Today I was finally given the chance to rest and think, which is usually a good thing. I normally relish in finding peace & quiet after eight hours in a room full of four year-olds, but today was different. While I thought about my future, and the things I feel God is calling me to do, I was reminded of every mistake I have ever made. Thankfully, I don’t have major regrets, other than the fact that I wish I had continued to run track in high school (sort of kidding about this). Despite this, today I felt condemnation like never before. I was reminded of the times I fell, and abandoned God. I was reminded of the times I was rebellious.
How about the moments where I spoke badly behind someone’s back, and then pretended to be their friend face to face? Or the sins that made me feel as if my testimony was ruined? Yep. Don’t forget those, Kelly. I thought about the times I said horrible things to my parents, and the times I’ve accused my father of “not being there,” or not “trying hard enough.” I was reminded of the times I pretended God couldn’t see my heart, and hear me slander and curse others. I was reminded that I am judgmental, and selfish, and foolish. I was bombarded with these thoughts, and began to wonder how God could ever justify using me. Someone who has accomplished so little, and still has so far to go?
I read Psalm 25, and understood how David felt when he penned the words:
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord.
And then I was reminded that if I wasn’t broken or weak, God couldn’t truly use me.
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God […] My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.
(1 Corinthians 2:1, 4-5)
I need to make a choice every day that I will believe God.
I will believe Him not only when He says that He has a purpose and a plan for my life, but I will believe Him when He says that my sins are forgiven. That I “was once a child of innocence” and He sees me just the same.
More importantly, God will use me in my weakness so that He may be glorified. This obviously does not grant me permission to continue to live in sin, but provides solace in the fact that I am completely forgiven.
Don’t limit yourself in ministry and service, and believe the lie that you are inadequate. God is saying to His church that as born again believers, we are righteous, holy, and redeemed. Not through our own efforts, but through Him. While we need to believe in God to be saved, it is equally important that we believe God daily to continually grow in our faith, and find our identity in Him.
What are you believing God for today?