“Where are you leading me? What the heck do you want me to do?”
I wrote this on March 15, 2011 in the margin of my worn out copy of My Utmost for His Highest.
At this point in my life, I had withdrawn from college, was unsure of what direction I should take major-wise, and had moved to Lima, Peru for a three-month-long missions trip. I was in a relationship with someone that had met all of the important requirements I had set in my mind & heart for a boyfriend/future husband, and even then, I felt something lacking. Where was God taking me? Had He spoken, and I had somehow missed it? Was I just not listening carefully enough?
During this three month stay, I was given the opportunity to stay in Peru as a full-time missionary, to spend a year in China, to either continue my studies at Elim Bible Institute or return to Elmira College, or to find a completely new university and start fresh. Yet, I was still not completely satisfied, because I had no real idea which opportunity I was supposed to choose. As someone who is cripplingly indecisive, my soul dies a little when I am given more than two choices. How could I make a final decision when every option seemed to be “right”?
When I finally realized that I needed to go back to school to get my degree in Education, I was disappointed. I came home from Peru and felt discouraged because I felt like God was forcing me to give up the adventurous and exciting life I had just begun to live. When I started attending Valley Forge Christian College, and explained to new friends that I was a transfer student, I spoke with negativity, and resented the choices I knew God had called me to make.
I was so wrong.
Because of this decision, my life is so much better than I could ever have imagined or planned. My stay in Peru only provided me with a small glimpse of the calling God had placed upon my life, but through continuing my studies, and simply waiting, I am a hundred times more prepared for where God is going to send me next. I have found a man that I can love and share my life with, without having to forfeit my own goals, dreams, and desires. I was able to travel to South Korea, and now plan to teach there after graduation, and together, Caleb and I have found a church and pastor that have helped our faith grow in tremendous ways. For all of this, I am grateful.
Even when I know where God is leading me, I don’t always understand why He is sending me. But that’s okay. And even when His voice is telling me to “wait,” I must wait, for in the waiting He is saving for me the very best.