Day 7: fears

 The thing(s) you’re most afraid of

I’m not a very fearful person, but there are some things that worry me:

1. When I’m driving on the highway, and it’s raining, and big trucks drive next to my tiny car. I always feel like they are going to run me off the road.

2. Locking my keys in my car.

3. My car breaking down on the highway. (This happened to me twice)

4. Eating bugs in my sleep. (This may have happened to me, but I don’t know)

5. Walking in my sleep & locking myself out of the house, and someone I don’t know abducting me. (This also happened to me, minus the abduction part)

All of these are completely rational.

Right?

Day 6: job

 If you couldn’t answer with your job, how would you answer the question, ‘what do you do’?

As of today, I’m still a student. However, Friday, at 3 p.m., I’ll walk across the stage, and can finally declare that I am a college graduate. It’s all very exciting.

In July, I’ll start working full time at a local daycare/preschool, and will stay there until we find teaching jobs & move overseas. Caleb and I plan to teach English for two – three years, or however long it takes for us to pay off enough of our student loans to become full-time missionaries.

But if I couldn’t answer with the title of “Preschool/Elementary/English teacher,” and had to answer the question “what do you do?” I would have to say:

1. Globe Trekker Host: I have always struggled with a strong case of wanderlust. I want to see the world, and I would love to get paid to do so. Caleb and I watch a few Youtubers that stir up the worst kind of jealousy in us. Mark Wiens gets to travel and eat Thai food every day. Simon and Martina get to talk about Korean culture and have traveled all over Asia. I once thought about auditioning for Globe Trekker, but went to college instead.

2. Photographer: When Caleb surprised me with my first DSLR this past December, my life changed. I can spend hours looking at wedding/engagement/infant photography, and am constantly inspired by Ioana Bentum, Nessa K, Sam Hurd, Allison Roche, Kate Serbin, Courtney Kurtz, and countless others that create the most beautiful images. Tumblr is my biggest time waster, but also my greatest source of inspiration and discovery of new artists. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in the past five months, and only dream of getting on the level of the creatives I listed above.

How would you answer?

Day 5: Sister

Today’s post is supposed to be a profession of my love and devotion to another blogger, but instead, I decided to write a little note to my sister. My family is coming to Pennsylvania on Thursday night for my graduation, and I cannot wait to give them all tight squeeze hugs.

Also, if you’re interested in joining in (even though this challenge is from two years ago), here’s the button!

Sophie.

Your beauty runs deep.

But its depth is unseen by your eyes that have been blinded by words spoken out of insecurity and jealousy of the strong and self-confident you that you are.

Words that made you feel small, and caused you to shrink back into the shadows.

But you belong in the light.

Sharing with the world your thoughts, and a personality that shines brighter than moonbeams.

Creativity flows from your fingers onto the walls of your room, and while you say you’re not gifted, my darling, you are.

Gifted with the ability to love people as they are.

Breaking bread with the outcasts, and defending the weak.

For the ability to write prose cannot compare with the ability to love without condition.

Even when teenage feelings rage in your soul, and you cry for reasons unknown, my love, you are a gem.

A diamond in the rough that is waiting to be found by the one who is patient enough to dig for you.

Loved by the One who created you and knows the deepest cries of your heart.

Loved by me when I act like a momma bear, instead of the confidant you desire.

Cherished.

Set apart.

My friend.

My sister.

Sophie.

Day 4: Quote

I’m always looking for new things to write about. I’ve read plenty of blogging advice from fellow bloggers that include “writing posts ahead of time,” and “write every day!” Well, let me tell you – both of those can be incredibly difficult. The goal of becoming a full-time blogger was quickly thrown out the window when I realized how much work it takes. And the whole idea of monetizing my blog? No thanks. I’m happy with my small (and free) little internet space. I suppose I’m just a little lazy.

However, the lovely Milan who blogs over at M.D.W. recently started a “blog every day in May”series. The prompts are from the Story of My Life blog, and are really great (and interesting) compared to some of the other “blog every day” prompts I’ve seen floating around. It’s been great to read Milan’s posts, and to get to know her on a deeper level. You should also check out her posts about her film projects because she’s pretty talented. 🙂

Because I don’t have school to complain about, and I have been posting too many pictures of birds, I decided to join in on the “every day in May” posts. I’m starting a little late, and might go back to write the first three posts, but we’ll start here and pretend May only has 28 days.

May 5th: Favorite Quote

 Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.

-John Sinclair

Failure is scary. It’s uncomfortable. I recently discovered how competitive I really am – actually, I just finally admitted to myself that I’m competitive. I’m usually a very passive person, willing to follow along, and work behind the scenes. I’m the person who does all the work for group projects, but only complains about it on tumblr.

 However, when I know I’m good at something, and there are others involved, I begin to care way too much. Because of this, failure is not an option. It can’t be, right? Why would I allow myself to fail, when I can try my best and be Number One?

If I fail, and believe me, I have more than once, I feel as if I have been branded, and it is on display for all the world to see.

But our failures are temporary – and a chance to learn from mistakes, and to improve upon our current state of existence.

They are merely bruises that seem to get worse before they get better, but eventually fade over time.

My very first VoxBox & the time I made a YouTube video

Last August I joined the site called Influenster.

Influenster rewards people for using social media, and calculates their social impact score based on how many followers they have on twitter, instagram, facebook, and other social media sites. When you join, you’re able to answer “snaps” which are questions about random things like what beauty products you use, how much coffee you consume daily, and what brands of frozen dinners you’ve tried. There is also the option of writing reviews about different products, which give you extra points, and help you to unlock different badges.

You also have the chance to complete surveys, which make you eligible to receive VoxBoxes. A VoxBox is a box filled with free things that you can try out and eventually review. I have been wanting to receive a VoxBox for a reallyyyy long time, so when Influenster emailed me and told me that I was picked for their next product campaign, I was SO excited.

For my first VoxBox, I was given a free sample of a shampoo and conditioner from SoapBox, which is a company that strives to promote health and wellness around the globe. For every SoapBox product that is sold, the company gives free bars of soap, vitamin supplements, and clean water to children in need all over the world.

After you receive your VoxBox, Influenster asks you to complete different tasks (like tweeting about your box, and sharing the product with your friends on Facebook). One of my tasks was to make a video of myself opening the VoxBox. I have never had a desire to be on YouTube, but I thought I’d give it a shot….I can’t tell you how many times Caleb snuck in the room and laughed at me as I attempted to start the video. Vlogging is really hard, guys.

If you notice, I was out of breath because I ran across the room to get a hair clip. Obviously, I need to do more exercise. I also really don’t have a hair care regimen – as you can see from my super wavy locks because I’m too lazy to dry them in the morning (sleep > everything).

The first thing I noticed when I opened the box & checked out the products, was that the shampoo and conditioner smelled fantastic. I have never heard of the Bataua Fruit (nor do I know how to pronounce it), but if it tastes as good as it smells … I really need to try it ASAP.

I was so excited to try these out that I sacrificed a few extra minutes of sleep and took a shower. Overall, I was really happy with the product – it smelled amazing, and made my hair smell amazing too (which is a huge plus). I didn’t notice anything significant in how my hair felt afterwards (neither did Caleb), but I was happy knowing I wasn’t using something that would affect my hair with too many chemicals.

I’ll definitely buy SoapBox products in the future, and think you should too. 🙂

(I received this free sample of SoapBox products in exchange for an honest review.)

29 days & an incurable case of senioritis

senioritis.

 a made up word that should be an entry on WebMD.

my mind unable to sit still, like a child in time out.

i wish i could diagnose myself

but i don’t have the credentials to do that.

i’m just tired, tired, tired…

but only when i have to lesson plan.

give me a weekend away, sleepy mornings in a cabin, and i’ll move mountains.

productivity soaring all the way to the moon.

but force me to sit on the couch and dare to tell me i have another paper to write, and i’ll crumple up like a dried flower.

two short pages will take 36 hours to compose.

my words sticky and sweet like the coffee i drink to stay awake.

in 29 days i’ll be free and i’ll bake myself a cake.

a cake that tastes like tassels, and diplomas, and new beginnings.

(in reality, it will taste like chocolate with buttercream frosting)

but for now, i struggle.

trudging five days a week to teach students that don’t listen, and like to talk over math problems and Bible lessons.

students that roll their eyes, and mock me as i pour my heart out about respect.

students that write stories where i portray the villain because i wouldn’t let them get a drink during instructional time, and forced them to put away the toys they decided to bring from home.

(i’m really the worst)

 transforming their desks into bunkers: protecting them from words like “eyes up here,” “listen,” and “work in groups.”

snow days have preserved my sanity.

i attempt to treat myself with Netflix, but the deadlines still loom overhead like vultures.

taunting me, and reminding me that i am still a procrastinator.

making me sick and anxious for the 8th of May.

in 29 days, i’ll be free.

in 29 days, i’ll be cured.

29 days…

graduation

I sit here awaiting tomorrow.

The day that has been six years in the making.

Six years filled with the taste of too much Nutella, energy drinks overflowing, and my eyes heavy due to lack of sleep. I have pushed through too many all nighters, struggling to focus, forever attempting to balance perfectionism with the worst kind of procrastination.

Six years of high expectations. Six years of subtle laziness. Six years of writing 10 page papers the night before they’re due.

Social media has become my arch nemesis, and my body has formed an aversion to coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee… I’ll still drink you with the hope that I’ll be able to fall asleep before 2 a.m. & my stomach won’t implode.

This day has taken its time to arrive. Slowly making the journey towards me, and then approaching all at once like a rushing wind.

I have been a student in three different institutions, changed my major twice, failed a music theory class, found my niche in the education field, witnessed dreams die and become resurrected, and visited two different continents. I experienced the repercussions of my dad’s deployment, and rejoiced in his return one year later. I fell in love, became a wife, learned to cook, and we adopted a cat. My testimony has been tested time and time again, but never have I been more confident in the sovereignty of God, and the faithfulness of His promise over my life.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. 

I will not abandon you to the grave. 

I will…

I will…

I WILL…

Old friendships have deteriorated due to distance, but new ones have been born out of missions trips and spontaneous coffee dates. I’ve learned the importance of having a supportive church family, and realized that fitting in is actually a really hard thing to do.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that people will always talk over me, but I still need to try my hardest to make my voice heard.

I’ve learned so many things, but still have so far to go.

I wonder when the learning process finally ends…

(p.s.: the answer is: *never*)

---

These years have been a crude mixture of both the beautiful and the horrid. Excruciatingly long, yet not long enough. Confusing, but filled with purpose. I’d like to say these years were the best years of my life, but then again, how can I even begin to imagine what the next six years will hold?

Life will not look the same in 5 years, and I try my hardest to see a glimpse in the life of future me. I hear the possibility of pitter-pattering little feet, and blurry visions of little hands reaching out to be held flood my mind. My heart skips a beat. I think I’m finally ready…but then again, I’m really not ready at all. I see us moving overseas, working as missionaries, and living lives of intentionality and simplicity. I have the strongest inkling that I won’t find contentment doing anything else, and only hope this sentiment holds true.

While each season will not be void of struggle, I hope that I can read these words again and be encouraged. Encouraged when those same little feet and grubby hands make constant messes, and I feel more exhausted than I ever have before. Encouraged when we leave the mission field to itinerate, and are forced to say goodbye to friends that have unintentionally morphed into family. Encouraged when the newness of everything wears off, and I begin to miss my own family back in the United States. Encouraged when I begin to doubt everything because life is just too hard.

Encouraged to know that everything happens in God’s timing.

Everything: that all encompassing word that not only includes powerful, flourishing mountaintop experiences, but those dry, weary hikes through the valley that creep up on you and render you helpless.

Encouraged to enjoy every season as it ebbs and flows.

So I sit here awaiting tomorrow.

Awaiting the unknown, and welcoming it with open arms.

Things I’ve Learned: Post Missions Trip

On Sunday, it will be two weeks since we returned to the States. The past two weeks have been spent getting back into the groove and routine of balancing work, babysitting, and student teaching. I envy my peers that have been able to stay at their original student teaching placements, and have found it really difficult to find the motivation to lesson plan and fulfill the remaining requirements needed for my degree. I like my class at my new placement, but I really miss all of my students at Renaissance. 😦

Since I’ve been back, I’ve wanted to write something that will help me debrief. In ten short days, I, and the rest of my team experienced a wide range of emotions, and then had to jump right back into “normal life.” It’s been difficult at times to come to terms with the fact that I can’t hop on a plane and go right back to South America. I still can’t do that, right?

In the past few days, I’ve had time to reflect, and want to share with you a few things that I’ve learned – post missions trip.

1. American bathrooms are beautiful and should never be taken for granted: I don’t know if I can describe to you the pain I felt when my body was consumed with the need to pee, and had to wait in a long line in the airport in Bogota because there were only four stalls, and that was the only bathroom remotely near our gate. Words cannot describe the feeling of entering a stall and realizing you forgot toilet paper … and it isn’t provided for you. Or how about the smell that builds as the mountain of used toilet paper grows higher and higher because you can’t flush it. Let’s not even talk about how much more accessible soap is here in the United States. I love my little blue apartment bathroom more than ever before.

2. Traffic in America is tame compared to traffic overseas: My life almost ended at least 5 times when we were in Iquitos. The moto taxis whiz through the streets, beeping at other drivers to get out of the way, and barely miss the countless number of open man holes that appear on every street. There are no doors on the taxis, and if you have a backpack, you better hold onto it, or someone might reach over and take it when you’re casually sitting at a red light.

3. Everything sounds better in Spanish: Does this even need to be said? My newest goal in life is to become fluent in Spanish. I’m actually quite close to achieving it, but just need more practice. Songs sound more beautiful in Spanish. Jokes are funnier in Spanish. Insults are more intense in Spanish. Fights are more passionate in Spanish. Ordering food is more exciting in Spanish. But I think you get my point.

4. American money is really quite ugly: Can we just use soles from now on?

5. Owning a car is overrated: Even though my life almost ended at least 5 times, I miss driving in the moto taxis, and how inexpensive it was to get around. In the past week, we’ve paid over $40 for gas. That would take care of transportation in Iquitos for about a month, maybe more. Not only is transportation cheap, but it’s reliable. We would walk out of our hotel, and four taxis would swarm around us. Caleb and I are looking forward to the day when we can sell our car, and move to South Korea where we don’t have to pay for insurance or gas. I’m ready for that day. 🙂

6. I’m spoiled. You’re spoiled. We’re all spoiled: Life in America is cushioned, and we don’t even realize it. Men and women who are on welfare and rely on food stamps are more blessed and well off than some of the people we met in Iquitos. We take for granted our freedoms, and the way that the government takes care of the American people. I don’t care what you have to say about our President, or the way our government is being run – we are blessed, and should spend less time complaining, and more time praying for our leaders. We have access to so many things (like reliable healthcare, running & clean water, electricity, and the ability to flush toilet paper), and although our country is not perfect by any standards, it’s important to try and find a new perspective every once in a while.

Because of how blessed we are as Americans, it is vital that each person discover how they can bless others in return. Whether it is volunteering your time, or simply giving a check to your local non-profit organization (like Alzamora International), we all have a purpose, and we all have something to offer the world. Discover what that is, and run with it.

Everyone wants to make a difference and feel important. However, change won’t be accomplished if we remain selfish and complacent. Loving others and making a change takes risk and a commitment to offer precious time and resources. It’s not easy, but it’s more than worth it.

Let’s teach the next generation about the value of generosity. We are consumed by our possessions, but in the end, that’s not what will bring us into Eternity, or provide us with true happiness.

So, what can you offer the world today?

If you have been on a missions trip recently or in the past, what are some things you learned after returning to the States?

little feet

six little feet, thirty little toes.

my night was spent pretending to be a horse, and making sure dinner was eaten and teeth were brushed.

we ate strawberries for dessert, put together a Hello Kitty puzzle, and watched The Little Mermaid.

i read a million books, tucked them into bed, and then was reminded that i forgot to fill up their water cups.

i was told that the littlest one would scream when i put him down, but i sang him a few of my favorite hymns, and stroked his hair, and all was well.

“it is well, it is well with my soul.”

i put him in his crib, and his little hand reached out & grabbed my pinky. my heart turned into mush.

i don’t know if they’ve ever heard about Jesus, so why not now?

i always forget that this is my mission field, even more so than Peru will be in only six days.

i have a habit of complaining about babysitting jobs; it’s not what i want to do forever. it’s not easy putting other people’s children to bed, and telling them to stop standing on chairs, and to be kind to their siblings.

one day i hope to have my own littles to put to bed. i dream about them sometimes, and as much as i say i don’t want children, my heart is excited to one day be a momma to a little Phoebe, and a little Judah, and maybe a little Graham.

but for now, i’ve been given this opportunity to sing other babies to sleep with songs about Jesus, and show them love by giving them strawberries.

and i am grateful that i am the one to do so.

don’t leave the bridge

“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” {Nayyirah Waheed}

I’ve lived this truth, and looking back, sometimes it’s still not easy to think about.

It’s not easy being the one that hurt another person – to cut ties with someone you cared about so deeply without any closure.

The boy that wooed me with a song, and in the end, made me cry every time I listened to “In My Arms” and “Married Life.”

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had left my bridge. What if I had settled, and said, “it’s okay. My love for you is greater than my deepest desires. Greater than my purpose.” That would have been sacrificial, right?

But you see, it’s not.

Sometimes it’s important to fight for your destiny. And sometimes that means saying goodbye.

Sometimes that means starting over from scratch, and discovering what it’s like to be alone again.

Within that loneliness you discover strength, and a determination you really didn’t know you had.

A determination that pushes through even though every fiber of your being wants to take back those words that said “I don’t think we’re going in the same direction, and I think we need to break up.” The words that insinuated that when I said “I love you,” I didn’t really mean it. I immediately wanted to say, “Take me back. I’ll leave my bridge for you. I’ll wait forever.”

But self denial is not always love.

However, I discovered that within this new found loneliness, you often stumble upon someone that is ready and willing to meet you right where you are.

Someone who silently stays by your side as your separate journeys somehow collide.

And that is the beauty of staying on the bridge.